A Red-Hot Handbook

Disclaimer : for this guide, several ethical sex-education resources were used, mainly Beducated – the world’s largest pleasure-based sex-ed resource, and OMGYes – a web-based resource presenting research-informed ways for people to broaden how they understand and experience sexual pleasure. OMGYes is free for clinicians and available to the public for a one-time fee.

Pleasing a vulva

When pleasing a vulva, it’s best to turn on a light, or prop up a hand mirror, at least in the beginning. You’ll want to see the miracle unfolding before your eyes. Observing how the folds change in size, fullness, colour and texture is like watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly. Through this practice of observation, you also get the visual cues when penetration will be best received. Most people with a vulva need clitoral stimulation before penetration, and most need this initial stimulation to reach G-region or cervical orgasm. The clit has a complex network of nerves that go far and wide under the skin, and each person with a vulva has their own hotspots that feel best. And because the area is so sensitive, often what feels best is to avoid touching the clit directly but move the layers of skin around it. The skin works sort of like a soft blanket, you move the blanket, and the blanket nudges the clit.

You could begin with a palm hug. Vulva owners often swear by a gentle, diffuse pressure of the entire hand. It’s sort of like giving the entire area a warm hug. Pour some organic coconut oil, or another natural lubricant you like, into your palm, and just hold it over the entire vulva. You could place one hand on top of the other and after a few moments, begin to move both palms in an orbital motion, ever so slightly. Then, slowly glide your hands upward, one after the other, stroking the entire area in a continuous rhythm. Breathe deeply into your diaphragm as sensations increase. When fully turned on, really look at the vulva in front of you. How has it changed since you first placed your hands over it? What do you see?

Next you can try using your lubricated fingers to squeeze the folds of the vulva together into a small area, putting pressure indirectly on the clit through soft layers of skin. As arousal increases, introducing a sort of continuous, circular motion around the clit is a great place to stimulate even more arousal. What does it take to make a wine glass sing? This image speaks to technique, but also to mystery. It requires our attention, but also intuition. You need to establish a rhythm, pace and just the right pressure – and then, voila – the glass begins to sing.

Then you could try a technique called hinting where you move near the opening and almost go in – but then you don’t. Use circular motions around the border of the opening or move from the clitoral hood down to below the opening. You could also keep a finger, toy or penis resting at the opening while stimulating the clit, building anticipation for what comes next. Energetically asking the opening of the vagina for permission to enter is a good practice. Keep your finger (or penis) at the opening of the vagina and ask permission to penetrate. When ready, the vagina will open like a morning glory and draw you in.

The G-spot isn’t a spot. It’s a region, and if you listen carefully, the body will show you where it is, and then it will ask for it. While most vulva owners have discovered G-region pleasure on the top or just to one side of the top vaginal wall, many have these sensations on the bottom wall. And for many, the G-region moves from day to day.

You can try putting a set of fingers inside, putting upward pressure on the G-region while another hand rests outside, above where pubic hair grows. That hand pushes down against the fingers inside. You can also try hooking and pulling the region with fingers, a penis or a toy. Another technique is to take two fingers and rub them over the G-region, creating what feels like one long, continuous motion. Kind of like the ‘moonwalk’ dance move. When one finger has finished its stroke, the other finger has already begun the next stroke.

Now is a great moment to introduce edging. One way of practising edging is to completely stop all touch just before orgasm, and when the feeling of impending climax is completely gone, you start over again. The break can be anywhere from a minute to a few hours. While many with a vulva swear the hands-off technique works best, during the break, you can also try nipple stimulation, caressing and kissing everywhere except the vulva. When the feeling of climax has completely passed, begin again. The more rounds of edging, the bigger the orgasm.

Pleasing a penis

Our bodies have multiple nerve pathways to orgasm – three for people with a penis, four for those with a vulva. Many of us become hooked on one route to pleasure: the pudendal nerve. This nerve runs through the penis, scrotum, and the clitoral head. It’s easy to access because it’s external, and over time, we build a strong neural pathway that becomes like a shortcut to pleasure – the quickie. The problem is we get so used to the short route that we neglect the side roads – the pelvic, hypogastric, and vagus nerves – which offer deeper, more varied orgasmic experiences. This practice is adapted from the work of bodyworker and intimacy coach Libby Sheppard, whose focus is on helping individuals feel more fully, both physically and emotionally. She specialises in arousal, body image and pleasure.

There are two reasons why many people with a penis experience a small fragment of their sexual potential. 1. They lose sensitivity in their penis, and 2. they are not present in their bodies. Porn is one of the main reasons your penis may become desensitised. Numbness is one of the biggest side effects of only masturbating with porn. While porn is a great way to explore fantasies and access arousal, it often leaves you overstimulated, and it trains you to masturbate quickly, which leads to an unconscious way of ejaculating.

When porn becomes part of every masturbation session, it becomes part of your neurological pleasure pattern. With porn, you are not feeling – you’re watching. And without fully stepping into the pleasure potential of your body, you will never be available to receive it. When you close your eyes, you become more aware of your other senses. Getting off in the same lying or seated position, and a race-to-the-finish-line mentality will not make you a more capable lover. In this self-practice, the hope is to retrain your masturbation practice into a self-love experience. You will gain body awareness and sexual control and learn to ride one pleasure wave after another. Men are often conditioned for performance, speed and conquest. Mindful practice counters toxic masculinity by making pleasure receptive, exploratory, present.

Let’s get started. You’re going to need about an hour for this self-pleasure practice, so set aside the time and space to be with yourself. Begin by setting your intention for your practice. Perhaps your intention is to explore new sensations, to slow down, or to build deeper awareness of your body.

It is important to have a warm-up ritual like bathing or conscious showering. Wash your body mindfully, exploring while you cleanse. Then, go to a place where you will be undisturbed, and sit in silence. Close your eyes. Massaging your body with organic coconut oil or another natural oil will help guide your nervous system towards receiving pleasure.

Massage your face, jaw, belly, hips, legs and arms. Breathe and let go. Now lie on your back and hold your penis with your right hand and your heart with your left. Receive the heart energy and allow it to flow into your penis.

Allow yourself to move into different body positions – you don’t have to just lie on your back. This helps you keep your mind engaged, especially if you are used to watching porn while you masturbate. Shift your focus back inside. Let your body guide you. Apply enough coconut oil or silicone-based lube on your penis. Explore yourself in ways you may not have considered. You could try placing your penis between your straight hands and start rubbing them together like you’re kindling a fire. Or draw the foreskin down, if needed, and hold the root with one hand, placing your other palm on the head. Massage gently in circles.

Be mindful of your grip and try to be gentler than you are used to. The idea is to create different sensations in your body and rewire it for a broader pleasure spectrum. Another technique is to place your hands around the penis with your fingers crossed. Open your thumbs and slide them along the shaft.

Some find it exciting to greet the frenulum by slowly circling it in both directions with the tip of a thumb or index finger This can be very intense so be gentle, explore and take your time.

Explore your point of no return with the help of the edging technique. Close your eyes and constantly feel where you are on your pleasure scale. Stimulate yourself to the edge, and when you feel really close, pull back on stimulation – slow down your stroke, loosen your grip and let yourself cool down. Now come back for another round. Stimulate the penis until you come to the edge again. Over time, you will expand your capacity to stay at the edge and learn to widen your pleasure sensations. If you’re open to it, you can include prostate massage and anal stimulation in your self-pleasure practice.

To end your practice, place your left hand on your heart and your right hand on your penis. Caress your body and spread the energy.